Do Parents Cause Children Anxiety?

Anxiety is a term that we here more and more as cases of it are sky-rocketing post COVID-19.

As caregivers, we can worry if we are inadvertently causing this in our children. This article is here to shed some light on the topic of what caregivers can do to prevent causing anxiety and how to support your child if they DO have anxiety.

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a condition that refers to having excess worry. We all can experience anxiety, over things like an impending test, a big decision, or a job interview. Most of the time when we experience anxiety it is not going to be clinically significant enough to rise to the level of a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder or other related diagnoses. A diagnosis of anxiety can be warranted when it significantly impacts a person's life.

If you are worried your child has anxiety, it is helpful to get them evaluated by a licensed mental health professional.

While there are differing accounts of how often anxiety occurs in children, recent estimates suggest that it occurs almost 32% in adolescents aged 13 to 18 (2021 NIMH Article). Unfortunately, rates of anxiety among adolescents continue to increase. It's helpful for all parents to be aware of what anxiety looks like and help their child through it.

What causes Anxiety?

"Is my child going to be born with anxiety, or could I cause it?"

The answer here goes back to the age-old debate of nature versus nurture. The truth is that some people are born more anxious than others.

However, some people developed anxiety as the result of an adverse childhood experience, such as the loss of a parent, abuse, neglect, significant stress or drug exposure (2021 Mind Article). But others can develop anxiety living in a relatively healthy environment. So if your child does have anxiety, it may or may not be being caused by you.

What can I do to ensure I don't give my child anxiety?

The best thing parents can do is promote a safe and secure environment for their children and help them manage their worries in a healthy way.

Children who have consistent meals, consistent housing, and consistent caregivers (caregivers who are not engaged in substance use, domestic violence, and have stable mental health) will have the best odds at not developing anxiety. Children thrive off of consistency and thrive off the ability to know what is coming next. Particularly those children who have anxiety.

Consistency creates a safe environment.

Safety and security are also cultivated when a parent supports a child when they make a mistake. Anxiety can be created when a parent has very rigid expectations, and explode or overact over small infractions.

Here are my top tips for handling discipline in a supportive way:

• Be consistent in your reactions and your processes. If the rule is that your child gets thier electronics taken away everytime they fail to complete a chore three days in a row - stick to it. Children want to know where the line is, and they need to expect the same emotional reaction each time.

• Take a break before addressing big issues. If your child is going to get in trouble over something major, take time first to process your own emotional reactions. Try then to keep your reactions as objective as possible. You don't have to have a poker face for every interaction - but you want to be consistent in how you react - don't yell over spilled milk.

• Avoid shaming your child. Tell them you love them and care about them, and still value them, but that you are disapointed in the decision they made, not the person they are. This avoids making your child feel shame, and helps them focus on making productive decisions.

• Don't expect perfection. No child is going to be perfect. No matter what age, we are all consitently growing and learning. This can be difficult when you have said something for the millionth time today. But try and keep sight of the bigger picture.

• Don't make it personal. Encouraging natural consequences promotes an envrioment where things are not taken personally. For example, if your child forgets their homework, they are going to have to navigate the consequence by thier teacher. It's not you implementing a consquence, it's the child dealing with one of thier own making.

It's important that children have healthy attachments to their caregivers. Children need to feel loved and supported unconditionally. It's okay to get upset with your child, and show emotion, but don't let it linger, or take over every interaction.

Here are my top tips for promoting a healthy attachment, with biological children, adoptive children, foster children, or just an important child in your life:

• HAVE FUN. Life is way to short to miss out on fun with kids. Get messy. Have the ice cream on the sofa. Have dance parties, frequently. Play games. Watch movies. Create positive memories with your child and reflect back on them. Keep the excitement of the good times you have alive and well.

• Compliment your child. Positive parenting encoruages parents to build on the positive decisions your child makes to promote more of them. Try and find at least one moment a day of praise with your child. Encoruage others to praise, and ellict feedback from other important adults, such as teachers and coaches.

• Give your child the affection they want. Some children like physica touch more than others, and all children have varying levels of comfort around it. Think about what love language might be the strongest for your child. Do they prefer gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch or quality time?

• Give your child your full attention as much as you can. Children are acutely aware of when thier parents aren't paying attention, whether your distracted by your phone, the TV, the project you need to get done or that thing you need to finish at work - our kids know. Try to dedicate time once a day where you have a moment to connect without distraction. Even five minutes is better than nothing.

The bottom line is that we also can't get anxious about our children. We all have to learn how to enjoy our kids a bit more in this modern era of never-ending parenting guilt and shame.

Here are my top tips for helping your child resolve worry in a healthy way:

• Help your child identify a worry. We can all get anxious and not really ever thing about where it's coming from. Try to have conversations that help you and your child identify where it's stemming from. For example, they are scared to leave the room after a caregiver was gone for an extended period of time becasue they are worried it will happen again.

• Try to help give your child perspective. All children lack adult perspectives. They only know thier short life with thier own experiences. Try to help your child see the bigger picture. Try to help your child visualize past the worry.

• Try not to judge or belittle the worry, instead provide a supportive and active listening style. Avoid telling your child things like "well that's no big deal!" Try and instead to see thier point of view, phrase it back to them, and then ask questions to get your child to come to thier own conclusions.

How do I support my child if they do have Anxiety?

Every tip mentioned in this article will help if your child has anxiety.

I also highly encourage caregivers to get therapeutic support with their child and anxiety because it's a road no one should have to walk alone, or without expert support.

You as a parent will have to navigate when you might be pushing your child too hard, or not enough. And this is not something that will come inherently natural to all parents.

Safe and secure environments generally help all children and should be cultivated whenever possible.

Remember to breathe and give yourself a break too. Don't get so worried your causing your child anxiety that you start to experience it yourself.

The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.